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October, 2009

  1. Technical Difficulties

    October 27, 2009 by nick

    Ryan and Glenn are still wrestling with the two episodes we have locked away in Glenn’s computer.

    In the meantime, recommended reading over at Michael Ian Black’s Twitter account. And if you want to keep up with what is making Pete, Glenn, and Nick smile these days, the videos at Lasagna Cat, and their TV Themes are spectacular.

    I personally recommend a true story of DuckTales!


  2. EPISODE 66

    October 25, 2009 by ryan

    HELL YEAH! NEW WEEZER ALBUM! WEEZER IS AWESOME! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO RIVERS CUOMO! RIVERSSSSSSSSS!

    Play

  3. This Day In History

    October 17, 2009 by nick

    On this crisp October the 17th, I shall return to the dusty tomes and scrolls to divulge more of history’s secrets, long lost to man.

    Many attribute the United States’ entry into WWI to various factors – entrenched financial ties with Great Britain and France, the sinking of the Lusitania passenger ship by a German U-Boat, and the Zimmerman Telegram proposing a Mexican invasion of the United States. These reasons were all certainly contributing factors, but none were nearly as significant as a reason withheld from public knowledge.

    Kaiser Wilhelm II, ruler of Germany, invited luminaries in American Society to high tea in Berlin in order to perhaps win over Americans to the camp of the Central Powers in the fall of 1916. Present at the secret, star-studded event were Charlie Chaplin, former president Teddy Roosevelt, and Hall of Famer Ty Cobb.

    The occasion began without difficulty. Wilhelm was at his most cordial, proud to speak to his guests in the rudimentary English he had developed. Things turned south for the German leader when he made an abortive attempt at humor, making a comment that Americans “adore the African man.” Ty Cobb immediately leaped out of his seat. German guards restrained him, and prevented him from attacking the Kaiser – however, the Georgia Peach managed to slit the throat of one of the guards using a shiv hidden in the sleeve of his Tigers jersey.

    Cobb was hauled off to a German prison, spitting racial slurs all the way. The resulting uproar behind closed political doors pushed the Americans into the war.


  4. Match The Tweet With The Twat

    October 14, 2009 by nick

    New 41 minute episode to come shortly as soon as we can transfer it from Glenn’s computer to Ryan’s. In the meantime, Nick has started up a Twitter account specifically for sports commentary, primarily baseball. Check it out if you enjoy his angry rants about shit that doesn’t matter.

    http://twitter.com/n_schaef


  5. EPISODE 65

    October 12, 2009 by ryan

    smarterchildWE APOLOGIZE TO OUR EUROPEAN LISTENERS FOR OUR LAST PODCAST. ACCORDING TO OUR GOOGLE ANALYTICS, MOST PEOPLE FROM THE EU BELIEVED THAT THE PREVIOUS EPISODE WAS A SHITTY TECHNO LOVE SONG MADE IN FRUITY LOOPS, WHEN IN FACT THE REALITY CAN BE NOTHING FURTHER FROM THAT. WE REGRET THE MISTRANSLATION, AND IN THE FUTURE WILL SOLELY BE USING PRO TOOLS FOR MASTERING OUR TRACKS FROM NOW ON.

    Play

  6. Cybersex From 6 Years Ago Part 2

    October 11, 2009 by nick

    If you guys thought that was hilarious, wait till you see this one. This next guy was really persistent – it must have been because Bike Chick.jpg was so hot. There was some stuff we said right off the bat that would send your normal customer fleeing for the hills. Not this guy. Once again, our name is censored to protect…us.

    Love Below 808: hey
    *****: hey!!!
    Love Below 808: ur not bot rite?
    Love Below 808: asl
    Love Below 808: hello?
    *****: oh hey
    *****: sorry
    *****: 25/f
    *****: U?!
    Love Below 808: 26/m/CA
    *****: OMGG!
    *****: heeeey
    Love Below 808: hey
    Love Below 808: you have or pic?
    *****: http://www.rbcglobenet.com/images/Bike Chick.jpg
    *****: HERE
    Love Below 808: nice
    *****: thanks
    *****: xx
    Love Below 808: so you say ur desparate for sex huh?
    *****: pretty desperate
    Love Below 808: wanna go?
    *****: sure thing
    Love Below 808: you start girl
    *****: But you have to promise me something
    Love Below 808: what’s that?
    *****: Can you…
    *****: Roleplay something for me?
    Love Below 808: sure
    Love Below 808: what?
    *****: Okay well…I’ve always wanted a waiter to pick me up…like…while he was serving me
    Love Below 808: mm hmm
    Love Below 808: and?
    *****: Well that’s about it
    *****: I feel so stupid thats soooo embarassing
    *****: I’m sorry
    Love Below 808: so you want a waiter to pick you up?
    *****: yess
    *****: like…hit on me while they bring food
    *****: and cum in my food before i eat it
    Love Below 808: what restraunt?
    Love Below 808: what kind?
    *****: Italian
    Love Below 808: ok
    Love Below 808: it’ll be my little restraunt
    Love Below 808: you’re the last customer
    Love Below 808: the place is closed
    *****: oooh
    *****: cute
    Love Below 808: the lights are out
    Love Below 808: the only light on is the candle at your table and the florecent light in the kitchen
    *****: omggg ur so good at this
    Love Below 808: books =P
    Love Below 808: i come to your table
    *****: hello waiter
    Love Below 808: my what a beautiful woman!
    *****: i laugh and blush
    Love Below 808: and such a nice body
    Love Below 808: mmm
    Love Below 808: (what’s your bra size?)
    *****: (34 C)
    Love Below 808: (nice)
    *****: (:-))
    Love Below 808: and such a nice rack…
    Love Below 808: sweat drips down my face as i show you the menu
    *****: I don’t know what they taught you guys when they trained you
    *****: But I like it
    *****: I grin @ you seductively and massage your foot with mine
    Love Below 808: our specials are lasagna and the chef’s “special” spaghetti
    Love Below 808: what will you like?
    Love Below 808: o i forget the water
    Love Below 808: i bring a cup of water to your table
    *****: Thank you
    *****: I prefer the spaghetti
    *****: What makes it so special?
    Love Below 808: it has exquisite tastes
    Love Below 808: very good. oh it is customary for the customer to be naked while you wait for your meal. you may put your clothe on after the food is at your table if you like.
    *****: THAT SOUNDS A-OKAY!
    Love Below 808: ok
    Love Below 808: i go back to the kitchen and start cooking the spaghetti
    *****: I have goosebumps
    Love Below 808: i look at you as you strip
    *****: Oh these crafty waiters
    *****: I mutter to myself
    Love Below 808: i unzip my pants as i look at you holding and poking at your breasts
    Love Below 808: i hold my dick and start jerking it until all my cum rushes into the pan where i cook the sauce
    *****: I look hungry
    Love Below 808: i put herbs and spices and mushrooms in it
    Love Below 808: onions and sausages
    *****: I spread my legs and toy with the salt shaker seductively
    Love Below 808: i cook and spread it onto a plate
    Love Below 808: i zip up my pants and bring it to you
    Love Below 808: the meal is served
    *****: I smile at you, “That was quick!”
    Love Below 808: oh it is customary for the customer to put on their clothes unless asked to take it off
    *****: I thought…you asked me to…?
    Love Below 808: you put on your clothe and i sit down across from you as you eat my cum filled spaghetti
    *****: Mmm this is delicious
    *****: Wait…what the fuck..did you violate this!?
    Love Below 808: o f course
    Love Below 808: you asked for it!
    *****: DELICIOUS
    Love Below 808: i saw it in your eyes
    Love Below 808: i knew you wanted it
    *****: Wonderful. You are a masterful [email protected]
    Love Below 808: i rub your leg with my foot as you eat
    Love Below 808: i look into your beautiful eyes
    *****: mmmmm
    Love Below 808: wanting to thrust my dick into you
    *****: pass the jelly
    Love Below 808: there is no jelly in an italian restraunt
    Love Below 808: only hot sauce
    *****: there will be jelly
    *****: but we must make it – togethr
    Love Below 808: i can no longer take it
    Love Below 808: i push the table away
    Love Below 808: and start ripping your clothe off
    *****: oh my oh my
    Love Below 808: you go now
    *****: i start vomiting over you because the pleasure is too intense and i’m allergic to onions but you keep going like a big machine of stallion powered sexaliciousness
    Love Below 808: i rub your breasts and kiss you on your neck
    Love Below 808: my dick grows longer and harder
    *****: i use your dick to fork up my spaghetti and shove it down my now vomit splattered throat
    *****: the vomit acts as a lube
    Love Below 808: i curl the spaghetti with my dick and shove it in your mouth
    *****: yes
    Love Below 808: you eat and suck until only my dick is left
    Love Below 808: then you suck and nibble on that
    Love Below 808: touching squeezing holding it
    *****: mmm
    Love Below 808: your turn
    *****: i rub the spaghetti sauce all over your pubes and lick it off
    *****: and licking my fingers too
    Love Below 808: you suck my balls and jerk me off
    Love Below 808: i ejaculate on the walls
    Love Below 808: you quickly lick it up and say jus tlike the spaghetti sauce
    Love Below 808: i pick you up and lay you on the table
    Love Below 808: go
    *****: you drag me by the hair into the kitchen, i crouch on the microwave like a praying mantis and demand you ejaculate all over my throbbing breticles
    Love Below 808: breticles?
    *****: never mind
    *****: just bosoms
    *****: breasts
    *****: tits
    *****: ejaculate on them
    Love Below 808: i push your breasts around my dick and move it back and forth
    ******: then i force you into the oven
    Love Below 808: ejacuating on your breasts and face
    *****: go
    *****: oven hijinks
    *****: go!
    *****: please i’m like there
    Love Below 808: i bring you in the oven and i fuck you in the ass
    Love Below 808: then i pick you up and force my dick in your tite pussy
    Love Below 808: you bounce up and down
    Love Below 808: go
    *****: meanwhile, chester- the crazy chef, turns up the heat in the oven, but he just winds up turning up the heat in our relationship causing me to have my period all over you, giving chester ingredients for tonights dessert- cherry pie
    *****: I take your sperm and draw a tribal symbol on your chest
    *****: Then I lick your cock with the fiery passion of a drunken sailor
    *****: FUCK MY EAR!! (I mispeak because of so much passion!)
    Love Below 808: i push my dick in your mouth your ear
    Love Below 808: your nose
    Love Below 808: you cry in passion
    *****: I moaaaaaan
    Love Below 808: then i ask for 69
    *****: Pending…
    *****: GRANTED!
    Love Below 808: and we lick and suck eachother
    Love Below 808: i lick your pussy over and over
    Love Below 808: i take a stick of butter and spread it all over
    Love Below 808: licking it off
    *****: My pussy is pressed up against your nose, causing you to sneeze which only makes me ORGASM
    *****: The butter makes your cock bigger
    *****: But that is good
    Love Below 808: i lick your clit so hard you bite my dick
    Love Below 808: i force it down your throat so hard you gag
    Love Below 808: and commit deep throat
    *****: The oven grease starts to hurt my back, so we move out of the oven and then go into the vegetable storage room
    *****: I open up a bag of cucumbers and look at you suggestively
    Love Below 808: i ejaculate so hard you choke but then swallow it down
    *****: THIS IS THE GREATEST AL FREDO I’VE EVER TASTED!!!
    *****: I moan
    Love Below 808: i take a cucumber and stick it in your pussy
    Love Below 808: another in your ass
    *****: you got the hint!
    *****: *moan*
    Love Below 808: and then i eat it out
    *****: Then I take some colliflower
    Love Below 808: then i lick your ass hole
    *****: And rub it all over your cheeks and face
    Love Below 808: i take some koolaid
    Love Below 808: and pour it all over your body
    Love Below 808: i lick it off
    Love Below 808: hugging kissing you
    *****: (the powder or the drink?)
    Love Below 808: (the drink)
    *****: (nice!)
    Love Below 808: (are you there yet?)
    *****: (I ALREADY CAME TWICE!! (2x))!
    *****: U?
    Love Below 808: (are your panties wet)
    Love Below 808: (yes)
    *****: No but the chair I’m sitting in is!
    *****: Thats soooo hott…Okay, now can chester join in?
    Love Below 808: oooo lick that for me
    *****: k!
    Love Below 808: mmm you like that don’t you
    *****: to an extent, yes
    *****: jk
    *****: i love it
    Love Below 808: but would you rather have mine?
    *****: both
    *****: do both\
    Love Below 808: back to the story
    *****: yes
    Love Below 808: (you gonna cum somemore)
    *****: whoo, excited
    *****: (yes)
    *****: we’re going for a quart
    Love Below 808: chester joins in as i pound you in the ass
    *****: …..of jizz
    *****: ()

    *****: yes!
    *****: finally, chester is the fucking man
    Love Below 808: he licks your pussy and then shoves his dick in your mouth
    Love Below 808: i keep ramming you in the ass
    Love Below 808: over and over
    *****: yes, both of your big black dicks
    Love Below 808: harder and faster
    *****: !!!!!
    *****: yes
    Love Below 808: 12 inch’s going in and out
    Love Below 808: your gag but want more
    Love Below 808: you*
    Love Below 808: you*
    *****: get out of my dreams and into my lungs
    Love Below 808: so i then stick it out and stick it into your pussy
    Love Below 808: and then back in your pussy
    Love Below 808: ass*
    ******: yes
    Love Below 808: back and forth
    *****: massage my prostate
    Love Below 808: harder and faster
    Love Below 808: i finger you as i fuck you in the ass
    Love Below 808: i rub your leibia and clit
    Love Below 808: (i can’t spell)
    *****: tie me up with asparagus
    Love Below 808: i push deeper
    Love Below 808: and deeper
    Love Below 808: you scream
    *****: i want at least 5 different vegies inside of me
    *****: AH
    Love Below 808: but it’s muffled from chester’s cock
    *****: oh chestemmmmhhhhh
    Love Below 808: i move him aside and tie you to a chair
    Love Below 808: i stick a cucumber in your ass
    Love Below 808: some collifower in your mouth
    Love Below 808: 2 sticks of asparagus in each ear
    *****: chester disappears in a cloud of smoke and disappearance
    Love Below 808: and a egg plant in your pussy
    *****: eggplant is my favorite
    Love Below 808: i shrug when chester disappears for he is not needed
    Love Below 808: and was in the way
    Love Below 808: i then take a whip
    *****: this is true
    Love Below 808: and start wipping you in your ass
    Love Below 808: on*
    *****: no
    Love Below 808: you cry
    *****: in is better- trust me
    Love Below 808: so i stop
    *****: KEEP GOING NOBLE WARRIOR OF THE STOCKROOM!
    Love Below 808: but you beg for it again
    *****: WHIP ME INTO SUBMISSION WITH YOUR SEXUAL TRANSMISSION!
    Love Below 808: so i you a long string of spacghetti
    Love Below 808: and whip you harder and harder
    *****: haha
    Love Below 808: you cry scars all over your thick ass
    Love Below 808: i rub and kiss you boo boos
    *****: i have a confession – i’m really a 14 year old boy”
    Love Below 808: and so am i
    *****: Okay then it was fun having wild sex with you. Later dude


  7. Cybersex From 6 Years Ago Part 1

    October 10, 2009 by nick

    In an effort to keep the content rolling, here is a cybersex prank that Pete & Nick played on some unsuspecting AOL Chat Room Perverts years ago. In many ways this was their first comedic collaboration. My only regret is that bike_chick.jpg seems to have vanished from the internet. It was clearly an advertisement which depicted a lovely African American woman on an exercise bike smiling encouragingly at the camera.

    That’s probably more ceremony than the following deserves. Pete and Nick’s screen name is censored in the interest of preserving the possibility of future pranks. In this episode, loserkid114 gets more than he bargained for!

    loserkid114: hey
    *****: HELLO!
    loserkid114: u said u were desperate for sex?
    *****: BOY AM I
    loserkid114: lol
    loserkid114: i can help if u want me to
    *****: Okay well you have to meet my standards
    *****: Mind answering a few questions?
    loserkid114: ok
    *****: QUESTION 1
    *****: How old are you?
    loserkid114: 22
    *****: QUESTION 2
    *****: What is your favorite sexual scenario?
    loserkid114: doesnt matter
    *****: YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ANSWER
    *****: Fine
    *****: I’ll let it slide
    *****: Question 3:
    loserkid114: ok
    loserkid114: lol
    *****: Do you love me?
    loserkid114: no
    loserkid114: i barely no u
    *****: Sexy
    *****: Question 4
    *****: How bad do you want to fuck
    loserkid114: im not desperate but it would be nice
    *****: ok well u can start then
    loserkid114: ok
    loserkid114: what do u want
    *****: I wanted to ask questions
    *****: now you get what you want
    *****: steaming hot vagina
    loserkid114: well i want u to start then
    loserkid114: if thats ok?
    loserkid114: r u there?
    *****: i am here
    *****: I’d rather if you started
    *****: I am bashful
    loserkid114: ok where do u want it
    *****: in a hole
    loserkid114: ok
    loserkid114: we walk into my room after a night out
    loserkid114: i start undressing u kissing ur chest on my way down
    *****: I moan and grab your hair
    loserkid114: i lay u on my bed and whip out my 8 in. dick
    *****: that’s it?
    *****: OH WAIT iNCHES
    *****: I WAS THINKGIN CENTINMNETRRS
    *****: SORRY
    loserkid114: ok?
    loserkid114: i slip into ur hot pussy
    loserkid114: i start working u up and down
    *****: I maoan
    loserkid114: feeling ur hot breasts as i push it in deeper
    *****: I moan!
    loserkid114: i go faster as u moan louder
    *****: I DO MOAN LOUDER
    loserkid114: i start sucking on ur hard nipples
    *****: Guess waht I dO?
    *****: MOAN
    loserkid114: i start going harder and faster
    loserkid114: my dick sliding in and out
    *****: My legs flail with joy
    loserkid114: faster and faster
    *****: My butt is a butt
    *****: mmm baaaby
    *****: I wnat u so bad
    loserkid114: i feel u all over
    *****: EVERYWHERE!?
    loserkid114: everywhere
    loserkid114: i squeeze ur ass and push my dick in deeper
    loserkid114: ur moans are fueling me
    *****: Wow. Even my nose?
    *****: (moan)
    loserkid114: no
    loserkid114: lol
    *****: Oh. So NOT everywehre!/
    loserkid114: no i guess not
    loserkid114: this is pointless
    loserkid114: ur not even feeling it at all
    *****: I AM TOO
    *****: I’m just too aroused. SOrry I’m touching myself too hard
    loserkid114: ok
    loserkid114: anyway
    loserkid114: i pull out my dick and turn u around
    loserkid114: i put my dick in ur ass
    loserkid114: and start working u
    *****: I grab my mickey mouse electric toothbrush and put it on my clit as i grab your stomach
    loserkid114: ?
    loserkid114: ok u do me now
    loserkid114: cuz i dont no what to say
    *****: my ass slowly consumes your entire body then my sphincter crushes you causing a fatal 56 hp damage infliction
    *****: did i send u my pic?
    loserkid114: no?
    *****: http://www.rbcglobenet.com/images/Bike Chick.jpg
    *****: Do you like it right thurr?
    loserkid114: sure
    *****: So you’re inside my ass…Go
    loserkid114: shut up
    *****: Its becuz i’m black isn tit?
    loserkid114: no its cuz ur bein dumb
    *****: sorry

    I like to think that we’ve become less sophisticated in the years since then. I blame it on a broken heart inflicted by that masked Casanova – loserkid114. What was wrong? Too much woman for you?

    If you thought that was great, you probably need therapy. But fortunately this was only a warm-up for our true opus, which will be posted shortly. Stay tuned!


  8. EPISODE 64

    October 9, 2009 by ryan

    NEXT TIME ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DARIEN: GLENN’S MOM DRAGS HIM TO IKEA, BUT HILARITY ENSUES WHEN HIS SEVERE ALLERGY TO PINE KICKS IN. PETE GETS SHOT BY REDNECKS WHEN HE TRIES TO GO TO A WHITE CASTLE IN LONG ISLAND, AND NICK DRINKS HEAVILY AND YELLS AT PEOPLE ON XBOX LIVE

    Play

  9. This Day In History

    October 9, 2009 by nick

    hot dogWe all know about the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Every year we gather our families together around the radio and listen to Vin Scully paint pictures with words. As he describes the gallant men consuming dozens upon dozens of hot dogs, every young boy imagines one day growing up and having such eating prowess, and every young girl imagines growing up and marrying one of these titans.

    Yet October 9th marks the anniversary of the first officially sanctioned, major eating contest which took place in 1942. However, there used to be a little twist. During Japan’s invasion of China in World War II, soldiers competed to prove their supremacy in all facets of depravity. Most famous is the anecdote regarding the beheading contest between two Japanese army officers.

    Less famous, however, was Hirohito’s eating contest – which translates literally to the name of “Honor Food Storm Garden” – which was issued as a challenge to his officers. Instead of seeing how much could be eaten within a time limit, a group of officers were each presented with ten pounds of salmon and the winner would simply be the man who could eat it the fastest. Also in attendance at the contest would be 5,000 Chinese prisoners of war – civilians and soldiers alike – whom the Japanese had starved in a pit for a week prior to the contest.

    The victor was presented with an ancestral sword. The losers committed ritualistic suicide.


  10. EPISODE 63

    October 7, 2009 by ryan

    THE GANG IS ALL BACK. RYAN FELT THAT SCHOOL WASN’T COOL, NICK WENT DOWN SOUTH TO BE A HICK, AND PETE AND GLENN JUST HUNG OUT AROUND TOWN PICKING UP COUGARS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS AWAY.

    WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WOMEN, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL COUGARS. THAT’S RIGHT, PETE AND GLENN NOW HAVE HUNTING LICENSES.

    Play