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March, 2011

  1. Gods of the Cinema – “Starship Troopers”

    March 23, 2011 by nick

    While much criticism has been levied against this film for its (alleged by some, deliberate) deviation from the eponymous novel by Robert Heinlein, this film will be treated on its own merits.

    Starship Troopers is the classic tale of a boy looking for his place in the world, and pursuing the girl he loves, and confronting obstacles along the way. In this case, our hero Johnny Rico must say farewell to his days as a successful future-jock in the shockingly-Caucasian-future-Argentina as he graduates from high school and enlists in the Mobile Infantry. He believes the saddest goodbyes will be to his girlfriend Carmen, as she joins the fleet, and his best friend Doogie Howser, the psychic overlord. But then some aliens, or “bugs”, destroy Johnny’s parents with an asteroid or something, also.

    We follow Johnny’s adventures through boot camp and his rise through the ranks to commander of his own unit, and perhaps an eventual reunion with Carmen following the tragic demise of his friend-with-benefits Diz.

    What is troubling about the movie is why the soldiers, despite being strapped with grenades, never use them against their enemies whose only hope to is completely swarm their opponents. You’d think if you could take them out en masse one would do so, but hey – I don’t have any military training!

    Speaking of which, Gary Busey’s son raises an excellent point during boot camp when they’re being instructed in knife throwing, questioning its utility, and referring to modern (i.e. future) combat as a “nuke fight.” Their drill instructor’s response is to throw a knife through his hand, coupled with the wisdom that, “Your enemy can’t press a button, if you disable his hand.”

    Somehow, this advice seems less-than-helpful. First, the only enemies we’ve seen of yours don’t have hands. They have pincer-spear-leg things. If a dozen assault rifle bullets won’t put them down, why would you bother hucking knives at them? Secondly, I don’t think any enemy of yours would try to nuke you if you were standing near enough to throw a knife through their hand. Further, if you could throw a knife accurately enough to hit their hand, maybe you should just cut to the chase and throw it into their brain.

    I must not have a head for all of this military stuff. And yet, somehow all of this wanton stupidity commingles with the gratuitous nudity and violence to form something more endearing and entertaining than insulting. Sadly, Denise Richards supplies much of the first, none of the second, and essentially none of the third.

    Final Verdict:

    This film brings great pleasure and entertainment to the House of Batiatus! Though it will never be champion, it shall train in the net and trident in order to excite the crowd in the earlier events leading up to the Primus.


  2. Gods of the Cinema: “The Human Centipede”

    March 19, 2011 by nick

    Whether you’ve seen the movie or not, loved it or hated it, it’s hard to deny the cultural resonance that the film “The Human Centipede” has had within the last year or so. The plot is as follows: two American tourists get stranded somewhere in the German countryside, they end up being taken in by an evil surgeon who has romantic aspirations of conjoining three humans together by the digestive tract and cutting out the ligaments of their knees thereby creating a human centipede.

    He succeeds, attaching the two tourists to a feisty young Japanese man. Once the surgery has been completed the movie suddenly turns into a fifteen minute slapstick dog-show of three humans doing every action you would imagine to be difficult while being conjoined by the poop chute. The film ends when some local police officers (who both look like Kenny Rogers goes street magic) get wise to the evil surgeon’s plan, and end up fatally shooting the doctor as he shoots them, presumably fatally as well.

    I am omitting a lot of the ins and outs; such as the fate of the centipede, all the pooping, and minutes upon minutes of hot ass-to-mouth action. The movie is by no stretch great, but is hardly the all out flop that its reputation seems to deem it as. “The Human Centipede” has a beginning, middle, and end. The cinematography and sound editing was surprisingly competent as well.

    Final Verdict
    This movie is far from good and no longer fit for the arena, but still may live to serve the gods and the House of Batiatus. This film henceforce shall serve as the Doctore of our beloved house!


  3. Gods of the Cinema: “Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus”

    March 19, 2011 by nick

    With a title like that, one really must temper expectations. An oceanographer lady and her fat associate stumble upon enormous sea monsters, but nobody else will believe her, despite the obvious evidence – like, an oil rig being destroyed by a giant octopus. So a team of scientists sets out to do…something. The dialogue varies between predictable and painfully terrible, and the CG is reminiscent of the cut scenes from the original Age of Empires game.

    Best Moment: Lightning strikes by a CG airplane. When a random passenger gets up, the stewardess tells him to sit down, to which he retorts, “I’m getting married in two days.” Then he turns and looks out the window to say, “Holy shit!” as a gigantic shark eats the airplane out of the sky.

    Final Verdict:

    By Jupiter’s cock, this film dishonors the House of Batiatus.