October 27, 2009 by nick
Ryan and Glenn are still wrestling with the two episodes we have locked away in Glenn’s computer.
In the meantime, recommended reading over at Michael Ian Black’s Twitter account. And if you want to keep up with what is making Pete, Glenn, and Nick smile these days, the videos at Lasagna Cat, and their TV Themes are spectacular.
I personally recommend a true story of DuckTales!
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October 25, 2009 by ryan
HELL YEAH! NEW WEEZER ALBUM! WEEZER IS AWESOME! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO RIVERS CUOMO! RIVERSSSSSSSSS!
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October 17, 2009 by nick
On this crisp October the 17th, I shall return to the dusty tomes and scrolls to divulge more of history’s secrets, long lost to man.
Many attribute the United States’ entry into WWI to various factors – entrenched financial ties with Great Britain and France, the sinking of the Lusitania passenger ship by a German U-Boat, and the Zimmerman Telegram proposing a Mexican invasion of the United States. These reasons were all certainly contributing factors, but none were nearly as significant as a reason withheld from public knowledge.
Kaiser Wilhelm II, ruler of Germany, invited luminaries in American Society to high tea in Berlin in order to perhaps win over Americans to the camp of the Central Powers in the fall of 1916. Present at the secret, star-studded event were Charlie Chaplin, former president Teddy Roosevelt, and Hall of Famer Ty Cobb.
The occasion began without difficulty. Wilhelm was at his most cordial, proud to speak to his guests in the rudimentary English he had developed. Things turned south for the German leader when he made an abortive attempt at humor, making a comment that Americans “adore the African man.” Ty Cobb immediately leaped out of his seat. German guards restrained him, and prevented him from attacking the Kaiser – however, the Georgia Peach managed to slit the throat of one of the guards using a shiv hidden in the sleeve of his Tigers jersey.
Cobb was hauled off to a German prison, spitting racial slurs all the way. The resulting uproar behind closed political doors pushed the Americans into the war.
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October 14, 2009 by nick
New 41 minute episode to come shortly as soon as we can transfer it from Glenn’s computer to Ryan’s. In the meantime, Nick has started up a Twitter account specifically for sports commentary, primarily baseball. Check it out if you enjoy his angry rants about shit that doesn’t matter.
http://twitter.com/n_schaef
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October 12, 2009 by ryan
WE APOLOGIZE TO OUR EUROPEAN LISTENERS FOR OUR LAST PODCAST. ACCORDING TO OUR GOOGLE ANALYTICS, MOST PEOPLE FROM THE EU BELIEVED THAT THE PREVIOUS EPISODE WAS A SHITTY TECHNO LOVE SONG MADE IN FRUITY LOOPS, WHEN IN FACT THE REALITY CAN BE NOTHING FURTHER FROM THAT. WE REGRET THE MISTRANSLATION, AND IN THE FUTURE WILL SOLELY BE USING PRO TOOLS FOR MASTERING OUR TRACKS FROM NOW ON.
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October 11, 2009 by nick
If you guys thought that was hilarious, wait till you see this one. This next guy was really persistent – it must have been because Bike Chick.jpg was so hot. There was some stuff we said right off the bat that would send your normal customer fleeing for the hills. Not this guy. Once again, our name is censored to protect…us.
Love Below 808: hey
*****: hey!!!
Love Below 808: ur not bot rite?
Love Below 808: asl
Love Below 808: hello?
*****: oh hey
*****: sorry
*****: 25/f
*****: U?!
Love Below 808: 26/m/CA
*****: OMGG!
*****: heeeey
Love Below 808: hey
Love Below 808: you have or pic?
*****: http://www.rbcglobenet.com/images/Bike Chick.jpg
*****: HERE
Love Below 808: nice
*****: thanks
*****: xx
Love Below 808: so you say ur desparate for sex huh?
*****: pretty desperate
Love Below 808: wanna go?
*****: sure thing
Love Below 808: you start girl
*****: But you have to promise me something
Love Below 808: what’s that?
*****: Can you…
*****: Roleplay something for me?
Love Below 808: sure
Love Below 808: what?
*****: Okay well…I’ve always wanted a waiter to pick me up…like…while he was serving me
Love Below 808: mm hmm
Love Below 808: and?
*****: Well that’s about it
*****: I feel so stupid thats soooo embarassing
*****: I’m sorry
Love Below 808: so you want a waiter to pick you up?
*****: yess
*****: like…hit on me while they bring food
*****: and cum in my food before i eat it
Love Below 808: what restraunt?
Love Below 808: what kind?
*****: Italian
Love Below 808: ok
Love Below 808: it’ll be my little restraunt
Love Below 808: you’re the last customer
Love Below 808: the place is closed
*****: oooh
*****: cute
Love Below 808: the lights are out
Love Below 808: the only light on is the candle at your table and the florecent light in the kitchen
*****: omggg ur so good at this
Love Below 808: books =P
Love Below 808: i come to your table
*****: hello waiter
Love Below 808: my what a beautiful woman!
*****: i laugh and blush
Love Below 808: and such a nice body
Love Below 808: mmm
Love Below 808: (what’s your bra size?)
*****: (34 C)
Love Below 808: (nice)
*****: (:-))
Love Below 808: and such a nice rack…
Love Below 808: sweat drips down my face as i show you the menu
*****: I don’t know what they taught you guys when they trained you
*****: But I like it
*****: I grin @ you seductively and massage your foot with mine
Love Below 808: our specials are lasagna and the chef’s “special” spaghetti
Love Below 808: what will you like?
Love Below 808: o i forget the water
Love Below 808: i bring a cup of water to your table
*****: Thank you
*****: I prefer the spaghetti
*****: What makes it so special?
Love Below 808: it has exquisite tastes
Love Below 808: very good. oh it is customary for the customer to be naked while you wait for your meal. you may put your clothe on after the food is at your table if you like.
*****: THAT SOUNDS A-OKAY!
Love Below 808: ok
Love Below 808: i go back to the kitchen and start cooking the spaghetti
*****: I have goosebumps
Love Below 808: i look at you as you strip
*****: Oh these crafty waiters
*****: I mutter to myself
Love Below 808: i unzip my pants as i look at you holding and poking at your breasts
Love Below 808: i hold my dick and start jerking it until all my cum rushes into the pan where i cook the sauce
*****: I look hungry
Love Below 808: i put herbs and spices and mushrooms in it
Love Below 808: onions and sausages
*****: I spread my legs and toy with the salt shaker seductively
Love Below 808: i cook and spread it onto a plate
Love Below 808: i zip up my pants and bring it to you
Love Below 808: the meal is served
*****: I smile at you, “That was quick!”
Love Below 808: oh it is customary for the customer to put on their clothes unless asked to take it off
*****: I thought…you asked me to…?
Love Below 808: you put on your clothe and i sit down across from you as you eat my cum filled spaghetti
*****: Mmm this is delicious
*****: Wait…what the fuck..did you violate this!?
Love Below 808: o f course
Love Below 808: you asked for it!
*****: DELICIOUS
Love Below 808: i saw it in your eyes
Love Below 808: i knew you wanted it
*****: Wonderful. You are a masterful [email protected]
Love Below 808: i rub your leg with my foot as you eat
Love Below 808: i look into your beautiful eyes
*****: mmmmm
Love Below 808: wanting to thrust my dick into you
*****: pass the jelly
Love Below 808: there is no jelly in an italian restraunt
Love Below 808: only hot sauce
*****: there will be jelly
*****: but we must make it – togethr
Love Below 808: i can no longer take it
Love Below 808: i push the table away
Love Below 808: and start ripping your clothe off
*****: oh my oh my
Love Below 808: you go now
*****: i start vomiting over you because the pleasure is too intense and i’m allergic to onions but you keep going like a big machine of stallion powered sexaliciousness
Love Below 808: i rub your breasts and kiss you on your neck
Love Below 808: my dick grows longer and harder
*****: i use your dick to fork up my spaghetti and shove it down my now vomit splattered throat
*****: the vomit acts as a lube
Love Below 808: i curl the spaghetti with my dick and shove it in your mouth
*****: yes
Love Below 808: you eat and suck until only my dick is left
Love Below 808: then you suck and nibble on that
Love Below 808: touching squeezing holding it
*****: mmm
Love Below 808: your turn
*****: i rub the spaghetti sauce all over your pubes and lick it off
*****: and licking my fingers too
Love Below 808: you suck my balls and jerk me off
Love Below 808: i ejaculate on the walls
Love Below 808: you quickly lick it up and say jus tlike the spaghetti sauce
Love Below 808: i pick you up and lay you on the table
Love Below 808: go
*****: you drag me by the hair into the kitchen, i crouch on the microwave like a praying mantis and demand you ejaculate all over my throbbing breticles
Love Below 808: breticles?
*****: never mind
*****: just bosoms
*****: breasts
*****: tits
*****: ejaculate on them
Love Below 808: i push your breasts around my dick and move it back and forth
******: then i force you into the oven
Love Below 808: ejacuating on your breasts and face
*****: go
*****: oven hijinks
*****: go!
*****: please i’m like there
Love Below 808: i bring you in the oven and i fuck you in the ass
Love Below 808: then i pick you up and force my dick in your tite pussy
Love Below 808: you bounce up and down
Love Below 808: go
*****: meanwhile, chester- the crazy chef, turns up the heat in the oven, but he just winds up turning up the heat in our relationship causing me to have my period all over you, giving chester ingredients for tonights dessert- cherry pie
*****: I take your sperm and draw a tribal symbol on your chest
*****: Then I lick your cock with the fiery passion of a drunken sailor
*****: FUCK MY EAR!! (I mispeak because of so much passion!)
Love Below 808: i push my dick in your mouth your ear
Love Below 808: your nose
Love Below 808: you cry in passion
*****: I moaaaaaan
Love Below 808: then i ask for 69
*****: Pending…
*****: GRANTED!
Love Below 808: and we lick and suck eachother
Love Below 808: i lick your pussy over and over
Love Below 808: i take a stick of butter and spread it all over
Love Below 808: licking it off
*****: My pussy is pressed up against your nose, causing you to sneeze which only makes me ORGASM
*****: The butter makes your cock bigger
*****: But that is good
Love Below 808: i lick your clit so hard you bite my dick
Love Below 808: i force it down your throat so hard you gag
Love Below 808: and commit deep throat
*****: The oven grease starts to hurt my back, so we move out of the oven and then go into the vegetable storage room
*****: I open up a bag of cucumbers and look at you suggestively
Love Below 808: i ejaculate so hard you choke but then swallow it down
*****: THIS IS THE GREATEST AL FREDO I’VE EVER TASTED!!!
*****: I moan
Love Below 808: i take a cucumber and stick it in your pussy
Love Below 808: another in your ass
*****: you got the hint!
*****: *moan*
Love Below 808: and then i eat it out
*****: Then I take some colliflower
Love Below 808: then i lick your ass hole
*****: And rub it all over your cheeks and face
Love Below 808: i take some koolaid
Love Below 808: and pour it all over your body
Love Below 808: i lick it off
Love Below 808: hugging kissing you
*****: (the powder or the drink?)
Love Below 808: (the drink)
*****: (nice!)
Love Below 808: (are you there yet?)
*****: (I ALREADY CAME TWICE!! (2x))!
*****: U?
Love Below 808: (are your panties wet)
Love Below 808: (yes)
*****: No but the chair I’m sitting in is!
*****: Thats soooo hott…Okay, now can chester join in?
Love Below 808: oooo lick that for me
*****: k!
Love Below 808: mmm you like that don’t you
*****: to an extent, yes
*****: jk
*****: i love it
Love Below 808: but would you rather have mine?
*****: both
*****: do both\
Love Below 808: back to the story
*****: yes
Love Below 808: (you gonna cum somemore)
*****: whoo, excited
*****: (yes)
*****: we’re going for a quart
Love Below 808: chester joins in as i pound you in the ass
*****: …..of jizz
*****: ()
*****: yes!
*****: finally, chester is the fucking man
Love Below 808: he licks your pussy and then shoves his dick in your mouth
Love Below 808: i keep ramming you in the ass
Love Below 808: over and over
*****: yes, both of your big black dicks
Love Below 808: harder and faster
*****: !!!!!
*****: yes
Love Below 808: 12 inch’s going in and out
Love Below 808: your gag but want more
Love Below 808: you*
Love Below 808: you*
*****: get out of my dreams and into my lungs
Love Below 808: so i then stick it out and stick it into your pussy
Love Below 808: and then back in your pussy
Love Below 808: ass*
******: yes
Love Below 808: back and forth
*****: massage my prostate
Love Below 808: harder and faster
Love Below 808: i finger you as i fuck you in the ass
Love Below 808: i rub your leibia and clit
Love Below 808: (i can’t spell)
*****: tie me up with asparagus
Love Below 808: i push deeper
Love Below 808: and deeper
Love Below 808: you scream
*****: i want at least 5 different vegies inside of me
*****: AH
Love Below 808: but it’s muffled from chester’s cock
*****: oh chestemmmmhhhhh
Love Below 808: i move him aside and tie you to a chair
Love Below 808: i stick a cucumber in your ass
Love Below 808: some collifower in your mouth
Love Below 808: 2 sticks of asparagus in each ear
*****: chester disappears in a cloud of smoke and disappearance
Love Below 808: and a egg plant in your pussy
*****: eggplant is my favorite
Love Below 808: i shrug when chester disappears for he is not needed
Love Below 808: and was in the way
Love Below 808: i then take a whip
*****: this is true
Love Below 808: and start wipping you in your ass
Love Below 808: on*
*****: no
Love Below 808: you cry
*****: in is better- trust me
Love Below 808: so i stop
*****: KEEP GOING NOBLE WARRIOR OF THE STOCKROOM!
Love Below 808: but you beg for it again
*****: WHIP ME INTO SUBMISSION WITH YOUR SEXUAL TRANSMISSION!
Love Below 808: so i you a long string of spacghetti
Love Below 808: and whip you harder and harder
*****: haha
Love Below 808: you cry scars all over your thick ass
Love Below 808: i rub and kiss you boo boos
*****: i have a confession – i’m really a 14 year old boy”
Love Below 808: and so am i
*****: Okay then it was fun having wild sex with you. Later dude
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October 10, 2009 by nick
In an effort to keep the content rolling, here is a cybersex prank that Pete & Nick played on some unsuspecting AOL Chat Room Perverts years ago. In many ways this was their first comedic collaboration. My only regret is that bike_chick.jpg seems to have vanished from the internet. It was clearly an advertisement which depicted a lovely African American woman on an exercise bike smiling encouragingly at the camera.
That’s probably more ceremony than the following deserves. Pete and Nick’s screen name is censored in the interest of preserving the possibility of future pranks. In this episode, loserkid114 gets more than he bargained for!
loserkid114: hey
*****: HELLO!
loserkid114: u said u were desperate for sex?
*****: BOY AM I
loserkid114: lol
loserkid114: i can help if u want me to
*****: Okay well you have to meet my standards
*****: Mind answering a few questions?
loserkid114: ok
*****: QUESTION 1
*****: How old are you?
loserkid114: 22
*****: QUESTION 2
*****: What is your favorite sexual scenario?
loserkid114: doesnt matter
*****: YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ANSWER
*****: Fine
*****: I’ll let it slide
*****: Question 3:
loserkid114: ok
loserkid114: lol
*****: Do you love me?
loserkid114: no
loserkid114: i barely no u
*****: Sexy
*****: Question 4
*****: How bad do you want to fuck
loserkid114: im not desperate but it would be nice
*****: ok well u can start then
loserkid114: ok
loserkid114: what do u want
*****: I wanted to ask questions
*****: now you get what you want
*****: steaming hot vagina
loserkid114: well i want u to start then
loserkid114: if thats ok?
loserkid114: r u there?
*****: i am here
*****: I’d rather if you started
*****: I am bashful
loserkid114: ok where do u want it
*****: in a hole
loserkid114: ok
loserkid114: we walk into my room after a night out
loserkid114: i start undressing u kissing ur chest on my way down
*****: I moan and grab your hair
loserkid114: i lay u on my bed and whip out my 8 in. dick
*****: that’s it?
*****: OH WAIT iNCHES
*****: I WAS THINKGIN CENTINMNETRRS
*****: SORRY
loserkid114: ok?
loserkid114: i slip into ur hot pussy
loserkid114: i start working u up and down
*****: I maoan
loserkid114: feeling ur hot breasts as i push it in deeper
*****: I moan!
loserkid114: i go faster as u moan louder
*****: I DO MOAN LOUDER
loserkid114: i start sucking on ur hard nipples
*****: Guess waht I dO?
*****: MOAN
loserkid114: i start going harder and faster
loserkid114: my dick sliding in and out
*****: My legs flail with joy
loserkid114: faster and faster
*****: My butt is a butt
*****: mmm baaaby
*****: I wnat u so bad
loserkid114: i feel u all over
*****: EVERYWHERE!?
loserkid114: everywhere
loserkid114: i squeeze ur ass and push my dick in deeper
loserkid114: ur moans are fueling me
*****: Wow. Even my nose?
*****: (moan)
loserkid114: no
loserkid114: lol
*****: Oh. So NOT everywehre!/
loserkid114: no i guess not
loserkid114: this is pointless
loserkid114: ur not even feeling it at all
*****: I AM TOO
*****: I’m just too aroused. SOrry I’m touching myself too hard
loserkid114: ok
loserkid114: anyway
loserkid114: i pull out my dick and turn u around
loserkid114: i put my dick in ur ass
loserkid114: and start working u
*****: I grab my mickey mouse electric toothbrush and put it on my clit as i grab your stomach
loserkid114: ?
loserkid114: ok u do me now
loserkid114: cuz i dont no what to say
*****: my ass slowly consumes your entire body then my sphincter crushes you causing a fatal 56 hp damage infliction
*****: did i send u my pic?
loserkid114: no?
*****: http://www.rbcglobenet.com/images/Bike Chick.jpg
*****: Do you like it right thurr?
loserkid114: sure
*****: So you’re inside my ass…Go
loserkid114: shut up
*****: Its becuz i’m black isn tit?
loserkid114: no its cuz ur bein dumb
*****: sorry
I like to think that we’ve become less sophisticated in the years since then. I blame it on a broken heart inflicted by that masked Casanova – loserkid114. What was wrong? Too much woman for you?
If you thought that was great, you probably need therapy. But fortunately this was only a warm-up for our true opus, which will be posted shortly. Stay tuned!
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October 9, 2009 by ryan
NEXT TIME ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DARIEN: GLENN’S MOM DRAGS HIM TO IKEA, BUT HILARITY ENSUES WHEN HIS SEVERE ALLERGY TO PINE KICKS IN. PETE GETS SHOT BY REDNECKS WHEN HE TRIES TO GO TO A WHITE CASTLE IN LONG ISLAND, AND NICK DRINKS HEAVILY AND YELLS AT PEOPLE ON XBOX LIVE
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October 9, 2009 by nick
We all know about the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Every year we gather our families together around the radio and listen to Vin Scully paint pictures with words. As he describes the gallant men consuming dozens upon dozens of hot dogs, every young boy imagines one day growing up and having such eating prowess, and every young girl imagines growing up and marrying one of these titans.
Yet October 9th marks the anniversary of the first officially sanctioned, major eating contest which took place in 1942. However, there used to be a little twist. During Japan’s invasion of China in World War II, soldiers competed to prove their supremacy in all facets of depravity. Most famous is the anecdote regarding the beheading contest between two Japanese army officers.
Less famous, however, was Hirohito’s eating contest – which translates literally to the name of “Honor Food Storm Garden” – which was issued as a challenge to his officers. Instead of seeing how much could be eaten within a time limit, a group of officers were each presented with ten pounds of salmon and the winner would simply be the man who could eat it the fastest. Also in attendance at the contest would be 5,000 Chinese prisoners of war – civilians and soldiers alike – whom the Japanese had starved in a pit for a week prior to the contest.
The victor was presented with an ancestral sword. The losers committed ritualistic suicide.
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October 7, 2009 by ryan
THE GANG IS ALL BACK. RYAN FELT THAT SCHOOL WASN’T COOL, NICK WENT DOWN SOUTH TO BE A HICK, AND PETE AND GLENN JUST HUNG OUT AROUND TOWN PICKING UP COUGARS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS AWAY.
WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WOMEN, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL COUGARS. THAT’S RIGHT, PETE AND GLENN NOW HAVE HUNTING LICENSES.
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Category Podcasts | Tags: Dethklok,H1N1,LSAT,Reunion Shows | No Comments