ATTENTION VITAMIN SHOPPE: THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE ABLE TO STAY IN BUSINESS. MOVE TO THE INTERNET.
February 26, 2010 by ryan
February 26, 2010 by nick
Traditionally those in the United States and Canada associate Groundhog Day with February 2nd, and it consists of the eponymous animal emerging from his burrow and making a weather prediction. Unsurprisingly, the cultural roots of this North American holiday lie in their mother island of the U.K.
Indeed, to ancient Britons every February was a time for great speculation. The name of the holiday comes from the Norse term grisa, -de, -t — (1) What a sow does when she gets piglets. (2) To behave like a pig, typically in conjunction to a party. The residents of each village in Southwestern England near Wales would spend all of February holding rudimentary boxing tournaments amongst eligible young men. The worst fighter would then be put into a pit, unarmed, with the largest wild boar that the villagers could find.
The ensuing fight would have profound importance to the morale of the tribe. If the boar was victorious – as was overwhelmingly the case – the village would celebrate, and consider it a sacrifice to nature. The Britons believed that it would be the precursor for a strong growing season. On the very rare occasion that the poor fighter managed to subdue the boar, he would be given all of the alcoholic beverages in the village and told to dance until he passed out.
An amendment to the healthcare bill to bring back this tradition was proposed by a coalition of Democratic and Republican Congressmen and is the focus of Barack Obama’s Healthcare Summit. Proponents say it will help fix American crop yields, while opponents say it doesn’t do enough and should be far more extreme.
February 25, 2010 by ryan
February 22, 2010 by nick
February 22, 2010 by ryan
MORE IS PREFERABLE TO LESS
February 16, 2010 by nick
Friend of the cast has provided us with this chat transcript with an actual American college student. Names have been changed to protect the naive and the cynical. Commentary provided by our intrepid contributor, Kufta.
The Realities of Internet Dating
The following is a real conversation, held February 15th, 2010 over Facebook chat. The content of the conversation has not been altered in any way but the names have been changed for a host of legal and ethical reasons. The italicized text commentary after-the-fact.
u should try match.com
mmmmm, im not into the internet dating thing
tho i probably might as well
have you had any luck?
i went on a couple of dates that were ok i mean hey what do you have to lose a couple hours of your life.. I have a few dates this week and theres actually alot of quality people out there. – An interesting thesis.
do people go into the dates implicitly expecting sex?
of course not
thats always the feeling ive gotten from those plaaces
that the internet is some bubbling fuck-cauldron where degenerates gather to conceive their wretched hellspawn. – My counter-thesis.
its actually alot of professionals
yeah fair enough
alot of doctors and lawyers not sure hyou care about that though
no i def dont
wouldnt hurt to have a sugar momma thouh
thats a good point
she goes to work at the law firm while i sit in my room doing drugs and writing songs
how about you Diane? on the lookout for that jewish doctor of your dreams?
nah cant marry a jewish doctor because everyone already expects me too. – J.A.P Alert
so an indian doctor then?
perhaps a jewish banker?
let’s go right on down the list of stereotypes. How about a mexican wrestler?
chico loco is out there, waiting for YOU Diane.
no but seriously i wish you the best of luck on the whole match.com search thing. im obviously just fucking around. – Bait.
hahaha i know it makes m loaugh
i have an interesting story about this onee dude. – That didn’t take long. Perhaps this is one of those ‘quality people’ she was telling me about.
also im addicted to okcupid and match.com
i cant stop going on
this guy i met on there was into some freaky stuff
this sounds like the intro of the story
he was into enlarging genitials. – Ah, there it is.
he must have been fucking with you
check out this site
no he was dead serious
lol what site
is it going to horrify me?
its pretty graphich should i wait to send it to you
nah its ok
dont send it
ill watch it
it wont let me send the link
lol “THIS CONTENT IS TOO FUCKED UP FOR FACEBOOK.”
is it too much of a pain in the ass to type it?
jesus fucking christ
hahahahhahaha you just typed that into facebook chat
i warned you.
so what did he like about it?
was it him trying to tell you he had a big dick or something?
he said it makes girls more sensitive and he thinks it looks prettier – Remember what I said about degenerates?
i think its scary
‘normal vaginas are too small, i need an enlarged one or i cant fit hurr hurr’
yeah its fucking horrifying
so needless to say you pumped that shit up for him right
got out the old basketball inflator and went to town?
this pussypump thing is a comedy gold mine. i bet Andrea has like 5 of them already. There’s a much, much better story involving the girl mentioned here but it is for another time.
i couldnt go through with it
holy shit it sounds like you considered it ahhahahaha
say it got stuck?
he also had a cock pump
he was a freak
say it didnt. say it went totally fine. you still inflated your pussy for the sexual gratification of some dude you met over the internet. That’s what would have happened
ahahhahaha im cracking up so hard right now
im at work too i gotta shut up this is bad
indeed gotta have some self respect right
ok ill talk to you later
hahaha no its ok, ill just stop laughing so hard
tho i am outta here in the next 5 minutes or so to get lunch
man. did he bring it to your first date?
ok talk to you later
thats amazing. thats a great ‘tales from the internet dating service’ story right there Diane.
The Moral of the Story: Internet Dating – Precisely as fucked up as dictated by conventional wisdom.
February 13, 2010 by ryan
February 12, 2010 by nick
Hope you guys like jokes.
Here’s the recording of Nick’s stand up set from Dec. 29th at Comix. Pete’s is in the editing bay, being given cybernetic parts and enhanced and CG and shit.
February 6, 2010 by ryan
HELLO SIR THIS IS JOHN FROM NIELSEN CALLING. THIS CALL MAY BE RECORDED. WHAT RADIO DO YOU LISTEN TO? NO, CLIKIT OR TIKIT IS NOT A ‘GENRE’. ALSO, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN 12 OR UNDER WHO ARE LATINO IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD? THANKS THAT IS ALL.
February 4, 2010 by nick
For those of our listeners who don’t listen at all, but in fact read, you should really check out Critelli’s latest two updates, beginning with Part One here. They are a true account of the mild mannered, polite Mike trying to navigate his way through a West Coast Bermuda Triangle of awful 80s pop culture and a childish imitation of Wall Street. I read the whole thing and was unhappy when I finished that there wasn’t any more to read.