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Guest Contributor: Kufta On The Dangers of Internet Dating

February 16, 2010 by nick

Friend of the cast has provided us with this chat transcript with an actual American college student. Names have been changed to protect the naive and the cynical. Commentary provided by our intrepid contributor, Kufta.

The Realities of Internet Dating
The following is a real conversation, held February 15th, 2010 over Facebook chat. The content of the conversation has not been altered in any way but the names have been changed for a host of legal and ethical reasons. The italicized text commentary after-the-fact.
u should try
11:32am Jack
mmmmm, im not into the internet dating thing
tho i probably might as well
have you had any luck?
11:34am Diane
i went on a couple of dates that were ok i mean hey what do you have to lose a couple hours of your life.. I have a few dates this week and theres actually alot of quality people out there. – An interesting thesis.
11:35am Jack
do people go into the dates implicitly expecting sex?
11:35am Diane
of course not
11:35am Jack
thats always the feeling ive gotten from those plaaces
that the internet is some bubbling fuck-cauldron where degenerates gather to conceive their wretched hellspawn. – My counter-thesis.
11:36am Diane
its actually alot of professionals
11:36am Jack
yeah fair enough
11:37am Diane
alot of doctors and lawyers not sure hyou care about that though
11:37am Jack
no i def dont
11:37am Diane
wouldnt hurt to have a sugar momma thouh
11:37am Jack
thats a good point
11:37am Diane
11:37am Jack
she goes to work at the law firm while i sit in my room doing drugs and writing songs
yes please
how about you Diane? on the lookout for that jewish doctor of your dreams?
11:38am Diane
nah cant marry a jewish doctor because everyone already expects me too. – J.A.P Alert
11:39am Jack
so an indian doctor then?
perhaps a jewish banker?
let’s go right on down the list of stereotypes. How about a mexican wrestler?
chico loco is out there, waiting for YOU Diane.
no but seriously i wish you the best of luck on the whole search thing. im obviously just fucking around. – Bait.
11:41am Diane
hahaha i know it makes m loaugh
i have an interesting story about this onee dude. – That didn’t take long. Perhaps this is one of those ‘quality people’ she was telling me about.
11:42am Jack
im listening
11:43am Diane
also im addicted to okcupid and
i cant stop going on
this guy i met on there was into some freaky stuff
11:44am Jack
this sounds like the intro of the story
11:45am Diane
he was into enlarging genitials. – Ah, there it is.
11:45am Jack
he must have been fucking with you
11:45am Diane
check out this site
no he was dead serious
11:46am Jack
lol what site
is it going to horrify me?
11:47am Diane
its pretty graphich should i wait to send it to you

11:48am Jack
nah its ok
11:48am Diane
dont send it
11:48am Jack
send away
ill watch it
11:49am Diane
it wont let me send the link
11:49am Jack
is it too much of a pain in the ass to type it?
11:52am Diane
11:52am Jack
jesus fucking christ
hahahahhahaha you just typed that into facebook chat
11:52am Diane
i warned you.
11:53am Jack
so what did he like about it?
was it him trying to tell you he had a big dick or something?
he said it makes girls more sensitive and he thinks it looks prettier – Remember what I said about degenerates?
i think its scary
11:53am Jack
‘normal vaginas are too small, i need an enlarged one or i cant fit hurr hurr’
yeah its fucking horrifying
so needless to say you pumped that shit up for him right
got out the old basketball inflator and went to town?
this pussypump thing is a comedy gold mine. i bet Andrea has like 5 of them already. There’s a much, much better story involving the girl mentioned here but it is for another time.
11:55am Diane
eww gross
i couldnt go through with it
11:55am Jack
holy shit it sounds like you considered it ahhahahaha
11:56am Diane
say it got stuck?
he also had a cock pump
he was a freak
11:57am Jack
say it didnt. say it went totally fine. you still inflated your pussy for the sexual gratification of some dude you met over the internet. That’s what would have happened
ahahhahaha im cracking up so hard right now
im at work too i gotta shut up this is bad
11:57am Diane
indeed gotta have some self respect right
ok ill talk to you later
11:58am Jack
hahaha no its ok, ill just stop laughing so hard
tho i am outta here in the next 5 minutes or so to get lunch
cock pump
man. did he bring it to your first date?
11:58am Diane
ok talk to you later
no lol
11:59am Jack
thats amazing. thats a great ‘tales from the internet dating service’ story right there Diane.

The Moral of the Story: Internet Dating – Precisely as fucked up as dictated by conventional wisdom.

1 Comment »

  1. nick says:

    two american kids – doin the best that they can

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