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‘Rejected Law School Applications’ Category

  1. Rejected Law School Applications #3: Harvard

    May 25, 2010 by nick

    Preston James Howard of Providence, Rhode Island had his hopes set on Harvard Law School for most of his adolescent and adult life. He built up an impressive GPA in high school to go along with a strong extracurricular curriculum vitae consisting of lacrosse, football, and some volunteer work. The feather in his cap, however, had been on display since birth. The son of a widely respected judge – Lawrence Howard – Preston was afforded many advantages, not the least of which was a legacy at Harvard Law School. Preston parlayed all of these resources into admittance to Columbia University for an undergraduate degree in Sociology. Unfortunately, his dream school – Harvard Law – would reject him, in part due to the essay below:

    “To Whom It May Concern,

    It is with great pleasure that I grace these pages with my express intent and desire to attend Harvard Law School. As you are probably well aware, my father the honorable Lawrence Howard, is an alumnus of this great institution. I wish to follow in his footsteps, and seek not to be overshadowed but to excel in my own right. For a list of my father’s accomplishments, if you wish to refresh yourself, although they are certainly a matter of public record, please consult his Wikipedia page. If you wish to learn more about our illustrious family, please feel free to make an appointment to come to our home in Providence.

    While we are on the subject of Providence, I proved to be an important member of my community throughout high school and in New York City while at Columbia. Columbia, as you know, is a highly regarded Ivy League Institution, although not nearly as highly regarded as Harvard. It is for this reason amongst many others that I would like to attend Harvard. I believe Harvard is considered to be the Harvard of the North.

    I seek to earn the respect of my peers, and I have done so throughout my life. I intend to continue to do so. It is necessary for me to bolster my abilities with estimable credentials in order to adequately represent the quality of my work and talent. In order to avoid a generic essay, or a restating of my resume – which is attached, I believe it is rather impressive and you will be impressed accordingly – I would like to take this opportunity to discuss a legal matter that has been gnawing at my mind for as long as I can remember. My family is blessed – through the hard work of my father and his father before him, not his father, but then my great great grandfather before that (my great grandfather being a bit of a transient vagabond, painting in the 1930s before succumbing to typhus and drink) – however, that does not mean my life has been free of hardship.

    Our family, due to our affluence, has been plagued with a high rate of taxes and great attrition from generation to generation as a result of this wealth. This leaves very little money for discretionary income following the dispensations necessary for upkeep of the state, investments, and various financial accounts whose liquidity is rather rigid. After studying the constitution at great length during a US Government class in high school, and again for a week during a seminar in college, I believe I will be able to prove that taxing people because they are rich is discrimination. If you read the 14th amendment – which was not amongst the original 10 amendments and as such is repeatedly overlooked – it is proven that discrimination in any way is illegal and must be corrected. I intend to prove this and have income taxes abolished, and to sue for damages. I will need Harvard’s help in doing so, but not much help as I believe it is a rather simple matter and an obvious case. I think it’s so unfaiopjr that io;oi theopij

    This idea, andajkkjlk many more, can be the pride of Harvard once I am accepted accepted accepted. I will attend and work hard and prove myself to”

    The rest of the page is obscured by what appears to be liquor stains, and some sort of powdery narcotic believed to be cocaine. Preston, upon failure to obtain admission at any top law school, has been working as Vice President at a mutual fund run by a friend of the family.

  2. Rejected Law School Applications #2: Stanford University

    November 15, 2009 by nick

    Like Mary Willits of Flint, Michigan, this individual had unrequited love for a law school – although this gentleman decided to aim a little bit higher. Stanford is considered to be a top five law school by almost any measurement. Apparently the application of Marco Gonzalez was not up to the rigorous standards of this Harvard-Of-The-West.

    “Dear Stanford,

    Growing up in East LA I heard about your school all the time. I have had to work for everything I have. I started at Pasadena Community College after getting my GED. After I got my associates degree I transferred to a real college. I know lots of kids my age have parents who just bought them college but my parents said I had to work for what I wanted. Their parents never gave them nothing so why I should just have free stuff, y’know?
    So I needed to make money. I started with a paper route when I was in middle school on a bike I built myself out of old gutters and wheels I found in a dump. It didn’t have brakes but I just figured it helped me get my route done faster. It made me enough money to buy comic books, but I always slipped one dollar out of every paycheck into my mattress like my abuela showed me. She used to hide her money in her mattress in Colombia to protect it from the cartels. My older brothers are a lot like a cartel, because there are eight of them and they will beat you up and take your money.
    I have had moral dilemmas before too. Like when my buddy Paco stole an 8th of weed from a dealer he was hiding my house and the dealer came to my house and was like, “yo ese wheres that piece of s*** paco?!” And I was like, I don’t wanna lie, y’know? But Paco would get iced if I said. And it’d be my house and that’d be bad, but Paco hadn’t exactly been moral y’know? So it was tough. I told him I had seen Paco down the street an hour ago. It was technically true but it didn’t tell him where Paco is now. Well, Paco isn’t here now while I’m writing this, but then. That “now.”
    I want to be a lawyer because I want to bring justice to my neighborhood. I think that people from my neighborhood need to know that they can’t fuck with me without going to jail. The cops here are all crooked and a lot of them push drugs and guns into my neighborhood. But sometimes they aren’t cool, like when they hassle you for having a drink in public. I mean sure, you probably shouldn’t but don’t you got better things to do?
    I did real good on my LSAT, as you can see. It should be on the other part of this application somewhere so I won’t waste your time by repeating the score here. If you wanna know what it is keep track of your papers. I was saying Stanford is real hard to get into, but my old high school teacher said, “Marco, I believe in you even if nobody else don’t.” He said that because I’m from a bad neighborhood I’ll probably get in because I haven’t been to jail and I worked hard in school. He said he wanted to go to Stanford but couldn’t because he got accused of rape – it wasn’t like the girl didn’t want to but she was young or something. That’s what he said.
    Anyways, I think about legal questions like that. Like, how old are you when you can consent? That can really mess up your life. And if you’re a girl and you shouldn’t be fucking around with old dudes you probably shouldn’t be doing that.”

    In an interview in a local paper, Marco was quoted as having said that failing to get into a law school didn’t discourage him, and that as soon as he saves up enough money for a “really dope spoiler” for his car he has some really good career plans, mostly revolving around his boy Paco who “owes [me] a solid.”

  3. Rejected Law School Applications #1: University of Miami

    November 12, 2009 by nick

    Every accredited Law School requires a Personal Statement as part of their application for admission. Here at Clikit or Tikit, we have acquired a tome of rejected applications from top law schools around the country, and will post them for your amusement. This one comes to us from Mary Willits of Flint, Michigan. Her hopes of enrolling at University of Miami Law School were crushed when this essay was rejected:

    “Two roads diverged in a wood… When Robert Frost wrote these words he did not understand how much they would mean to me. Growing up in Flint, Michigan I learned to appreciate a strong work ethic. Although my family was always financially secure due to my father’s lucrative position as owner of a Little Caesar’s pizza franchise, I grew up with a blue collar mentality. Many of my friends drove really ugly cars that didn’t work very well. But that didn’t stop them. They would save up all of their money to buy car stereos or Nike shoes. This shows that my community gave me a sense of diversity. Diversity is very important to me, because I want to be diverse.

    I always worked really hard at my Dad’s pizza restaurant. One week out of every summer my Dad would have me work as a hostess and I would have to find a place for people to sit and sometimes there weren’t enough places to sit – but I had to work hard like my Dad taught me. I would use this really cool system that I invented where I would put colored stickers on a drawing of all the tables where people were sitting. Fat people would get brown stickers!

    I have overcome a lot of adversity as well. Sure, I went to a private school after my freshman year in high school, and went to a small private college in Wisconsin, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. At college lots of people smoked a lot of weed, and it was really hard not to. I showed my strength of character by not smoking pot. I only hooked up with like a few guys too. The worst piece of adversity came when I was dressed up for a Halloween party my sophomore year. The party was at a frat house, and I was dressed up as a slutty German beer frau (I believe in international diversity!) and I had these super cute garters on. But at the party I got separated from my friends and wound up doing shots in a room of one of the brothers. Before I knew it I was giving head to like 4 guys. None of them called me back, but my grades didn’t drop at all! I knew that I was worth something even if none of those guys did!

    I know how to work really hard, and I am diverse and come from a blue collar community so I think that I could really improve your school. I love the beach, and I love to read – my favorite author is Dan Brown – and I want to be a lawyer. I overcame a lot of hard stuff and the LSAT was really hard, but I am more than just my test scores! Thanks so much for reading this!!”

    Three years later, Mary is a manager at her father’s Little Caesar’s in Flint. In her spare time, Mary enjoys battling her crystal meth addiction and cruising the internet for a rich man to take her away to Toronto or, “some other place in Europe.”